Remember those adorable photos of Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Elon Musk swooning like excited schoolboys behind Trump at his inauguration? And remember when Bezos said, "I am very optimistic that President Trump is serious about this regulatory agenda"? (Translation: "Please don't break up my monopoly, daddy Trump!")
We've got some heartbreaking news about these facism-curious tech bros who thought throwing millions at Trump's inauguration would protect them — their little MAGA adventure just wiped nearly $300 billion from billionaires' collective net worth faster than you can say "consequences of my own actions."
Turns out when you cozy up to a guy whose idea of economic policy is "what if we just break everything," things might not work out great for your bottom line. Trump's "Liberation Day" tariffs sent the market into the kind of nosedive that makes 2020's COVID crash look like a hiccup.
Now Trump has Vice President J.D. "Hillbilly Whisperer" Vance out there complaining about European regulators being mean to our poor, defenseless trillion-dollar tech companies. Nothing fixes a trade war like sending your venture capitalist VP to whine about it.
Oh, what's that? The billionaires are still billionaires? Thank god — I was worried there for a second that they might have to sell one of their space yachts.
6.6 Trillion in 2 days!
Poor Jeff Bezos. I almost feel bad for him, but then I remember how he stopped the Washington Post from endorsing the sane candidate.